..to The Tap-Inn. Where you can tap in to the world of soccer with me, your first-gen Irish Tap-Inn bartender, Joe.

Pull up a stool — it's been a big weekend. The North London Derby delivered, Wrexham put on a show, and Messi had a night to forget in Los Angeles.

On special offer today:

It’s Tap-Inn time. 🍻

It’s Saturday night, 8.02pm. The Tap-Inn is starting to fill up and I’ve got six of my best bartenders behind the bar. We’re all set for a busy night of pouring cold ones and referring to every single customer as “boss”, “chief” or “big man”. We’re living the proverbial dream.

But disaster strikes. Our new bartender Tommy — so keen to prove that the flair bartending skills he claimed (with a little more enthusiasm than truth) in his interview are real — has inadvertently landed the bottle of Jameson he tossed over his head right between his eyes.

He now finds himself lying dazed on the barfloor tiles, struggling to remember his own name, let alone the ingredients for a Singapore Sling.

“He can’t remember who he is?? Tell ‘em he’s the friggin’ Gordon Ramsay of bartenders and get him back on his feet”

Not receiving my advice as I had hoped, it’s looking like Tommy’s going to have to clock out early. It’s time for me to call in someone else from the roster. It’s time, for a substitution.

Quicker than you can say joehurryupwiththeanalogyandtellmewhatasubstitutionis, our weekday barman Dan has answered our call and arrived with a barspoon in one hand and a red bull in the other, and we’re good to continue with our service.

Soccer, just like the story above, involves people getting injured — all the time. For most of soccer's history, if your player got hurt, they either limped on or your team played short. It wasn't until 1958 that the global rulemakers officially allowed injured player replacements.

England didn't adopt the rule until 1965, and when they did, managers immediately started gaming it. They began instructing players to go down holding their hamstring — feigning an injury — whenever they wanted to swap them for a different player sat on the bench.

Managers also began faking player injuries in order to make tactical changes i.e., to make an adjustment to their team’s formation or playing style. Unsurprisingly, the FA gave up trying to police it and allowed tactical subs two years later.

A substitute (or “sub”) can come on for any player — defender, striker, even the guy who just got subbed on ten minutes ago because the coach changed his mind. Once you’re off, though, that’s it. No takesies-backsies.

Unlike most US sports, soccer limits how many times you can swap players during a game. Today’s Premier League rules dictate that clubs can make up to five substitutions from the nine players allowed on the bench.

It wasn't always five, mind you. Before COVID, teams were limited to just three. Competitions temporarily bumped it to five to protect players during the postponed fixtures pile-up — and it stuck. Now there's talk of pushing it to six. Managers, predictably, want more. Purists, predictably, are furious.

Now please excuse me while I go pick Tommy up off the floor.

Last week I may have suggested Arsenal were — once again — throwing away the league. They responded by going to Spurs' own backyard (just four miles down the road) and winning 4-1. I'll take the L on that one, folks. Two goals each for Eze and Gyokeres and the Gunners are five points clear once again.

Pour one out for Igor Tudor though, losing his very first game as Spurs' new interim manager. Not the new manager bounce he was hoping for.

A late, late Liverpool goal from Alexis Mac Allister was enough for a 1-0 win over Nottingham Forest, with their new manager Vítor Pereira also starting off on the wrong foot.

Elsewhere, Man City edged Newcastle 2-1 and Chelsea let a lead slip against relegation-threatened Burnley to draw 1-1 — new manager Liam Rosenior's honeymoon period is getting its first real test.

And if that sounds like managers are getting fired all the time, they absolutely are.

Inter Miami kicked off their MLS title defense on Saturday night by getting battered 3-0 by LAFC — in front of 75,673 fans at the LA Memorial Coliseum, the second-largest crowd in MLS history.

As if the scoreline wasn't bad enough, Messi was caught on camera apparently trying to force his way into the referee's changing room after the whistle, with Suarez hauling him away. He could now be facing a ban. Some opening night.

Miami will be fine. But if they needed a reminder that defending a title is harder than winning one, it was served up cold in Los Angeles

If you haven't been following Wrexham's Championship campaign, Saturday was the perfect advertisement. The Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney-owned Welsh club beat promotion rivals Ipswich 5-3 in an absolute rollercoaster at the Stok Cae Ras. Enjoy all eight goals here.

They led twice. Ipswich equalised twice. Then Ipswich went ahead 3-2 early in the second half and it looked like curtains. Instead, Wrexham scored three unanswered goals in the final 25 minutes — through Thomason, Doyle, and Broadhead — to seal one of the games of the season. The Red Dragons are back in the playoff spots. Premier League dreams are very much alive.

In 2007, Arsenal's Nicklas Bendtner came off the bench against Tottenham and scored the fastest ever goal by a substitute in Premier League history.

How many seconds did it take him to score?

Answer at the bottom.👇

Fun fact: Buddhists consider 108 a sacred number representing spiritual completion — and a group of monks just walked 2,000 miles across America in exactly 108 days to mark it. If that's not the universe telling you to clear your summer schedule for the World Cup, I don't know what is.

At least mark this exhibition match down for now: USMNT vs Portugal, March 15th, Atlanta.

Cristiano Ronaldo hasn't set foot on US soil since August 2014, when he came on as a sub for Real Madrid against Manchester United in front of 109,318 fans at Michigan Stadium. Twelve years of Ballon d'Or ceremonies, Man United returns, Saudi Arabia moves, and general CR7 theatrics — and now he's coming to Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, wearing Portugal red, against our boys.

Portugal are ranked 6th in the world, just won the UEFA Nations League, and have Bruno Fernandes pulling strings in midfield. No slouches. But here's the thing — the USMNT has gone unbeaten in their last four against Portugal, including a famous 3-2 win at the 2002 World Cup that's still talked about in Lisbon with a wince.

The Benz holds 71,000 and will host eight World Cup matches this summer, including a semifinal. Tickets start at $50. If you're near Atlanta, get yourself there.

Phrase: Super Sub

Origin: Coined in the 1970s to describe Liverpool's David Fairclough, who had an uncanny knack for coming off the bench and scoring crucial late goals.

Definition: A player who rarely starts games but regularly comes on and changes a game entirely. Not just filling minutes — actually deciding things. Check out the top ten in PL history here.

Usage: “They've looked flat all day — need a super sub to come on and wake this game up”

James Milner made his 654th Premier League appearance for Brighton on Saturday, breaking Gareth Barry's all-time record for most PL games played. When asked about it afterwards, he said: "It's not something I've really concentrated on, to be honest."

654 games. An all-time record. Zero fuss about it. So on brand that there's a parody account — @BoringMilner — with 585,000 followers dedicated entirely to how wonderfully unremarkable he is.

Something tells me it wouldn’t actually be too dissimilar from his actual tweets…

Pour one out for Sheffield Wednesday who were relegated from the Championship on Sunday — with 13 games still to play. It's the earliest relegation in English Football League history. They currently sit on minus seven points after being deducted points for failing to pay their players, 41 points from safety. The season doesn't end until May.

For context: they were relegated by their city rivals Sheffield United. In the Sheffield derby. With two players sent off.

A very wooden spoon indeed.

Quicker than I can down two pints (just), Bendtner came on in the 76th minute and ran straight onto the pitch and straight into the box — right on time to meet a corner and head the winner past the keeper in a 2-1 victory.

Arsenal beating spurs. Some things never change…

Thanks for stopping by The Tap-Inn.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to that friend who knows nothing about soccer and help spread the good word.

I’ll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.

— Joe