Why Canada won't win the World Cup (and why they could)

👋 Welcome..

..to The Tap-Inn — where we’ve got beers as cold as a Polar Vortex and content as hot as a flaming sambuca.

“Your beers are 50 degrees below zero?”

Don’t do the maths. On tap this week:

• Just how much we should be worried about neighbours Canada this summer 🍁

• The top goalscorer in World Cup history 🥇

• A USMNT star off to the Prem? 🛫

Bottoms up.

🌎 WORLD CUP COUNTDOWN: 136 DAYS

Team Preview: Canada — Better than you thought, eh?

Six games, six defeats, and a measly two goals across Canada’s two World Cup appearances (1986 and 2022) isn’t exactly a glowing résumé.

Banking on the Canucks this summer would be the soccer equivalent of entrusting that single glass of water you chugged before bed to fend off another 15‑pack, Labatt‑Blue‑induced hangover. A truly noble, if slightly misguided effort.

However, Canada head into the 2026 World Cup with more belief than ever before. Here’s three reasons this summer won’t be another Canada Dry:

1. Home tournament: Soccer passed hockey as the most played sport by children in Canada back in the 90s and now the World Cup’s in their backyard — a generation is ready and waiting.

2. Global stars: Aside from being cheaper to pick up than hockey, soccer has exploded in Canada largely thanks to immigration from soccer-mad nations. Some of Les Rouges’ best players — including Alphonso Davies, Ismaël Koné and Jonathan David — are all foreign‑born.

3. Redemption arc: Canada are hoping some harsh lessons (e.g. don’t tell an opponent you’re going to “F” them before a game) at Qatar 2022 will have been short-term pain for long-term gain. This time it’s more nous, fewer ‘hows’.

“So they’ve a few excited fans on home turf… that’s it?”

Not exactly. Here’s why it’ll be their best World Cup yet:

• Captain Alphonso Davies is literally one of the best players in the world. He’s won six German league titles with continental powerhouses Bayern Munich.

• Canada are currently enjoying their highest-ever FIFA Ranking after skyrocketing from 120^th to 26^th in just eight years.

• Forward Jonathan David scored for fun in France (109 in 232 games) before earning a move to European giants Juventus last year and is Canada’s all-time record goalscorer with 37 international goals.

Let’s not forget why they’re rated 250/1 longshots though…

• If their star players go quiet, Canada’s attacking threat is pretty weak.

• Game control in tight matches remains unproven at World Cup level.

Canada might even struggle to get out of their group — with games against Switzerland (qualified from their group in each of their last three World Cups), Qatar (winners of previous two Asian Cups) and potentially Italy (pending a European play-off qualifier), they’ve got a lot on their plate.

Best of luck neighbourinos, you’ll need it.

📝 TRIVIA ON TAP

Pouring goals

Who is the outright top goalscorer in World Cup history?

Keep scrolling for the answer 👇

🗞️ THIS WEEK IN SOCCER

Premier League roundup

Man United are…good again? It’s two tough games and two impressive wins for new United boss Michael Carrick. Matheus Cunha's late stunner fired the Red Devils to a shock 3-2 win over Arsenal — their first win at the Emirates since 2017. If you watch Mikel Arteta closely enough above, you can just about see the steam leaking out his ears as the winner goes in.

Elsewhere, Bournemouth ended Liverpool's 13-game unbeaten run, with a 3-2 home win over the champions as the pressure mounts on reds boss Arne Slot.

Other key results:

• Chelsea 3–1 Crystal Palace — A controlled away win against 10-man-Palace.

• Man City 2–0 Wolves — City scored once in each half to end a short league wobble.

• Spurs 2–2 Burnley — A late Romero header rescued a point after sloppy defending.

• Newcastle 0–2 Aston Villa — Watkins and Buendía punished a flat Newcastle in a comfortable Villa win.

Quick off the Marc

Crystal Palace captain Marc Guehi completed his transfer to Man City last week in a $27 million deal — just months after a collapsed deadline day move to Liverpool. His contract runs until 2031 and will see him earn a reported $400,000 a WEEK. Drinks on you, Marc.

On the rocks: Pepi to Fulham

The Cottagers have submitted a second bid of $38m for USMNT forward, Ricardo Pepi. Moving clubs in the January before a world cup is always a risk, but a chance to play in the Premier League is difficult to pass up. Will keep you posted on this one.

🔥 QUICKFIRE

Sound like a pro

Phrase: "New Manager Bounce"

Origin: A term that's been around since the 1990s, describing the immediate uptick in results when a fresh boss arrives.

Explained: It's part fresh tactics, part renewed motivation, and part everyone trying to prove they belong under the new regime.

Usage: "Carrick's beaten City and Arsenal in his first two games — classic new manager bounce.”

On This Day

Jan 26^th 1963: José Mourinho is born. Mou walked into Chelsea in 2004 and proclaimed himself the “Special One” on day one. He wasn’t lying. Equal parts brilliant and insufferable, the Portuguese has won everything there is to win in club soccer and has ruffled plenty of feathers along the way.

📝 TRIVIA ANSWER

Miroslav Klose

The record is currently held by Germany's Miroslav Klose, who banged in record 16 goals across the four consecutive tournaments he played between 2002 and 2014 — with every one of them scored inside the box.

Proper poacher.

Until next time…

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I’ll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.

— Joe