..to The Tap-Inn. Where you can tap in to the world of soccer with me, your first-gen Irish Tap-Inn bartender, Joe.

There’s two things I love serving in my bar. Ice cold beer and soccer wisdom.

I’m not talking like I’ve just ingested a coach’s manual, I’m speaking plain English - like a regular Joe. A short visit to The Tap-Inn will have you sounding like a pro.

Ready? I thought so. Let’s pour.

I’ll never forget my first day at The Tap-Inn.

Smelling like a beer before even setting foot in the door, poor young Joe was hungover, 26 minutes late and not at all ready to be a “sponge to information”. In fact if you had wrung me out there and then, all that would have been expelled was sweat, tears and last night’s Miller High Life.

Needless to say, the next few shifts did not go swimmingly. After a string of poor performances and a hefty number of L’s, my boss called me into the stock room for a chat:

“Joe. You’re getting demoted to weekday bartender. You’re not cut out for a weekend rush.”

I was getting shipped out of the big leagues. Distanced from the crowds. Far away from the real action. In soccer terms, I was getting relegated.

In all Europe’s biggest leagues, if you don’t peform well and finish in the bottom 3 positions*, you’re getting booted. I know - the US mind can’t comprehend: instead of being gifted a #1 draft pick, you’re getting punished - hard.

You get moved down a division to play with weaker teams who are all battling it out to move up to where you just came from.

Never one to shy away from a challenge however, I rolled up my Tap-Inn sleeves. I polished glassware and changed kegs like my life depended on it. I was even making frozen blended margs without once telling customers the machine was broken.

Step forward, my boss:

“Don’t come in on Thursday, Joe - I want you fresh for the weekend team.”

Bigger crowds, better wages and better colleagues? Yep. I was getting a promotion. In soccer, promotion works exactly the same way. Work hard and beat the guys around you and you get called up to a higher-stakes ball game.

TL;DR: Promotion and relegation rules vary by league, but the idea is always the same: the worst teams go down, the best teams from the division below come up.

After a dramatic international break, England’s top division returns this weekend.

We’ll tell you everything you need to know this Friday. Stay tuned.

(Keep scrolling to see the answer)

Scotland are back on the world stage after a winner-takes-all victory over Denmark featuring an overhead kick, a red card and a goal from the halfway line in injury time. What a way to end a 26-year drought.

Meanwhile, Germany and Belgium just steamrolled their way to next summer with 6-0 and 7-0 drubbings of Slovakia and Liechtenstein respectively.

But the feel-good story? Curaçao. This little Caribbean island (just 156,000 people strong) held on for a 0–0 draw with Jamaica and made history — now officially the smallest nation ever to qualify for a World Cup. Their “Blue Wave” just turned into a tidal wave. Watch the celebrations below:

That’s 42 of 48 teams qualified. Watch this space.

The USMNT won 5-1 against World Number 15 ranked - Uruguay in a friendly this week, no big deal (we’re going to win the WC).

When a player kicks the ball through an opponent’s legs and collects it on the other side. Equal parts humiliation and art.

🏟️ Stadium of the week

Yes, that’s a stadium built into the side of a mountain in Croatia. Stadium Our Lady Dolac is actually named after the local church. She’s perfect.

*Bonus point if you guessed Brighton & Hove Albion - they’ve never been relegated but were only promoted to the Premier League in 2017.

Thanks for stopping by The Tap-Inn.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to that friend who knows nothing about soccer and help spread the good word.

I’ll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.

— Joe