..to The Tap-Inn. Where you can tap in to the world of soccer with me, your first-gen Irish Tap-Inn bartender, Joe.

Pull up a stool. On tap this Friday:

It’s Tap-Inn time.

Nine hunnit.

That’s the number of beers I drank on St Patrick’s Day career goals Lionel Messi just reached with his latest strike against Nashville on Wednesday.

Most professional players retire having scored fewer than 100 and Messi has done it nine times over and is still going. And as you may have guessed, the only way your resident bartender Joe can explain a story this absurd is through the medium of beer.

At just 17 years old, his teammate and best player in the world at the time — Ronaldinho — poured Leo his first professional goal in his local at the Camp Nou, Barcelona. It was a lobbed finish so calm it made the whole bar stand still.

Opposition managers tried to sign him mid-game, he got a red card after 40 seconds on his international debut and he scored one of the greatest goals of all time against Getafe — all before even legal drinking age (in the US, anyways).

The man was box office from day one.

Round after round, nobody could keep up. Record-breaking Ballon d'Ors (see Quickfire below), multiple Champions Leagues, ninety-one goals in the 2011-12 season alone.

Running alongside it all, the greatest rivalry in soccer history: the man at the next stool, Cristiano Ronaldo. There’s literally a website dedicated to tracking who has put away more pints over the past 24 years.

Messi usually won the Spanish league (La Liga). Ronaldo usually won the Champions League. Together they kept the session going for over a decade.

Barcelona found themselves in financial ruin after years of overspending, forcing them to say sayonara to their most prized possession. Messi departed his club in tears after a powerful farewell speech. Last call was served.

Still thirsty for more, Leo ordered something expensive and French — and it just didn't taste right. The Parisian side’s front three of Messi, Neymar and Mbappé was perfect on paper but never really clicked on the field.

The Argentinian “only” enjoyed 32 goals across the two years.

Supposed to be a gentle wind-down.

Instead: MLS MVP twice, five assists in a single game, earning $70–80 million a year, and being dragged away from tunnel confrontations with referees. Few pints, nothing hectic.

As I told you last week, Ronaldo is chasing 1,000. At 38, Messi would need 100 more. Sounds unlikely.

Then again, so did everything else.

Imagine the Seahawks won the Super Bowl, lifted the Lombardi Trophy, did the parade, got the rings — and then 57 days later the NFL called to say actually, the Patriots won. Hand it back.

That’s exactly what just happened with AFCON (the Africa Cup of Nations). I’m not making this up.

Senegal were stripped of the 2025 African continental title this week less, not even two months after lifting the trophy in one of soccer’s maddest ever finals, with runners-up Morocco now declared champions.

Senegal's government called the decision "grossly unlawful and profoundly unjust" — the politically correct term for “absolutely mental”. Senegal are physically refusing to hand the trophy back and they’ve now launched a legal appeal.

Keep reading: AFCON final descends into chaos — you won’t believe how it ended

Lots and lots and lots of goals. Sixteen teams are now eight. Full results below:

Quarter-final draw: Liverpool vs PSG, Real Madrid vs Bayern, Barcelona vs Atletico Madrid, Arsenal vs Sporting CP, taking place on April 7th and 8th.

Keep reading: Champions League quarter-finals preview

Arsenal face Manchester City in the Carabao Cup Final at Wembley on Sunday. If City lose, that’s two consecutive trophy-free years for coach Pep Guardiola. Arsenal go in full of confidence and are heavy favorites.

Meanwhile, the Premier League continues as normal for everyone else. The fixtures to keep an eye on:

Keep reading: Why do soccer teams play in so many competitions?

Messi scored his 900th career goal this week. What percentage came from his left foot?

Keep scrolling for the answer. 👇

Pochettino named his 27-man USMNT squad this week for friendlies against Belgium (March 28) and Portugal (March 31), both in Atlanta. Both opponents are top-10 in the world and you (yes, you) don’t even know where they are on a map — so you know they’re good.

Pulisic (above) leads the group with 82 national team appearances, followed by Tim Ream (79), Weston McKennie (62) and Brenden Aaronson (56).

Six players in the squad have scored in Europe’s top club competition, the Champions League this season — Balogun, McKennie, Pepi, Tillman, Weah and Cardoso (with an absolute cracker, might I add).

Pochettino names the official roster in May, which means these games are the last chance for players on the fringes to make their case. Play well, you're going to the World Cup on home soil. Play badly, you're watching it on the couch.

Keep reading: The latest USMNT squad announcement in full

Phrase: The Ballon d'Or (pronounced "bawh-LON dor")

Origin: French for "Golden Ball." First awarded in 1956 by France Football magazine, it started as a European-only award before expanding to include players worldwide.

Definition: The soccer equivalent of the NBA’s MVP — i.e. the most prestigious individual award in soccer, given annually to the best player in the world as voted by international journalists.

Usage: “Mbappe is a shoo-in for the Ballon d’Or this year,” in general conversation, or "Ballon d’Or, Ballon d’Or, Ballon d’Or, Ballon d’Or…” as a reaction to great goal by a quality player.

Spotify Camp Nou, Barcelona (above): This is where Messi scored his first professional goal in 2005 at the age of 17, and where most of his career's greatest moments played out over the next 16 years.

“Spotify” was added to the name in 2022 to help Barcelona avoid bankruptcy after some questionable business decisions including spending over €120 million on two players they then loaned out essentially for free. You read that correctly.

The stadium is currently mid-renovation but when finished, will hold 105,000 — the largest soccer stadium in Europe.

Wednesday night was a big one in English soccer history. Harry Kane scored twice for Bayern Munich to become the first Englishman to reach 50 Champions League goals, doing so in 66 games — the third-fastest ever.

He reached the milestone in the same number of games it took Lionel Messi, and in 25 fewer than Cristiano Ronaldo.

And he wasn't even alone in the milestone. Mohamed Salah also hit 50 Champions League goals the same night for Liverpool against Galatasaray — the first African player to do so.

If it was a bad week to be a green-coloured beer, it was an even worse one to be a landmark goalscoring milestone. Cheers to you, Messrs Messi, Salah and Kane.

Incredibly predictable and yet incredibly hard to stop. That’s Messi. The full breakdown:

Thanks for stopping by at The Tap-Inn.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to that friend who knows nothing about soccer and help spread the good word. For every 10 friends that use your referral link to pull up a stool, I’ll personally buy you a beer.

You read that correctly.

I’ll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.

— Joe