..to The Tap-Inn. Where you can tap in to the world of soccer with me, your first-gen Irish Tap-Inn bartender, Joe.

Happy Friday, folks. The bar's open, the pints are cold, and a small town in Norway just broke the Champions League. On tap:

Ready? I thought so. Let’s tap in.

It’s a Wednesday evening in January. You’re at your local. Your buddy Alan is telling you about his cousin in Connecticut building a bar out of snow drift in his back yard. You nod to him,

“Naturally chilled beers. Nice.”

All is well in the world when in walks a total stranger — absolutely nobody knows him. The bartender barely looks up. He's from a small town in Northern Europe and is donning a bright yellow shirt. He goes by the name of Jens Petter Hauge.

The pool table is occupied by the regulars who’ve been running it for years — Phil from England, Koke from Spain, Nicolò from Italy. Ignoring every warning sign in the room, the new guy asks for a game. The fellas nod in unison,

“Sure, JP. Why not.”

He beats the Englishman — the bar goes quiet. He defeats the Spaniard — glasses stop halfway to lips. He walks out of the bar, safe in the knowledge that he’ll be back in a few weeks time.

Fast forward to this week in February, and Jens has returned to humble Nicolò from Italy — that's Nicolò who finished runner-up in last year's tournament.

The pair played twice. Jens won twice.

I’m talking about Bodø/Glimt here, of course. The new guy at the bar. It’s their first time qualifying for the UEFA Champions League (UCL) and nobody even knows how to say their name (it’s pronounced BOO-duh, obviously).

Everyone's waiting for them to spill their drink, and then off they go and beat the regulars three times in a row.

“Okay, but who actually are they?”

Bodø is a small port city in northern Norway, sitting just above the Arctic Circle. The kind of place where the sun doesn't set in summer and barely rises in winter. Their entire hometown population would fit inside the San Siro — the very stadium they just played in.

Oh — and they're not even in season yet. The Norwegian league doesn't kick off for another two weeks. They beat Inter Milan in pre-season mode.

“Damn. How’d they get here?”

To reach the knockout stage in the first place, they had to beat Manchester City and Atlético Madrid back-to-back in the league phase. Not one giant. Both of them. That was just to earn a play-off spot for the knockout rounds. They did it, and then sat down across from Inter Milan.

Inter are the real deal — they lead Serie A by ten points. They reached last year's Champions League final. Their payroll dwarfs Bodø's entire city budget. No matter…

Second-half goals from Jens Petter Hauge and Håkon Evjen at San Siro sealed a 2-1 win on the night, 5-2 on aggregate. The first Norwegian club ever to win a Champions League knockout tie.

Coach Kjetil Knutsen afterwards,

"Can you believe it? A team from a small town up north. It's unbelievable."

It is, coach. It really is.

Aside from the big one above, the UCL knockout phase playoffs also saw Turkish giants Galatasaray edge out Juventus 7-5 on aggregate after a wild second leg. PSG squeezed past Monaco 5-4 in the all-French tie. Who ever said soccer was low-scoring?

Atalanta, Real Madrid, Newcastle, Leverkusen and Atlético all poured through to the Round of 16 as well.

The draw for the last 16 teams in the competition took place earlier today and it threw up some crackers. PSG vs Chelsea. Real Madrid vs Man City (fifth year in a row, somehow). Arsenal vs Leverkusen. Galatasaray vs Liverpool. Newcastle vs Barcelona.

The most interesting tie though is somehow the one with the two smallest teams — Bodø/Glimt will face Portugal's Sporting CP with the winners through to the quarter finals.

Round of 16 first legs: March 10/11. Second legs: March 17/18.

Another heavy pour on the horizon. The ones to keep an eye on are:

The Red Dragons keep the good times coming. Two first-half headers from Sam Smith and Max Cleworth were enough to hold off a Portsmouth fightback. Wrexham are in the Championship playoff spots, chasing a fourth straight promotion. Rob McElhenney's fairytale rolls on — and an FA Cup tie against Chelsea still to come.

Bodø/Glimt became the first Norwegian club to win a Champions League knockout tie this week. But how many people actually live in Bodø, their hometown?

Keep scrolling for the answer.

Like a cocktail at the Tap-Inn, this week for Americans in the UCL was mixed.

The good stuff: Malik Tillman (Bayer Leverkusen) and Johnny Cardoso (Atlético Madrid and above) are both through to the Round of 16. Two Americans still alive in the biggest club competition in the world, four months out from a home World Cup.

The bad stuff: Despite scoring for Juventus in the second leg against Galatasaray, Weston McKennie's team still crashed out. Folarin Balogun and Monaco were also seen off by PSG. Two Americans packing their bags.

Meanwhile, there's a story developing that every US soccer fan should be watching. Last week, Mexican authorities killed cartel leader "El Mencho," triggering widespread violence across Jalisco — the state that includes Guadalajara, one of Mexico's three World Cup host cities. Over 60 people were killed.

FIFA says it has "full confidence" in Mexico's ability to host safely. But privately, sources inside FIFA are reportedly very worried. Will keep you topped up on this one.

Phrase: "Away goals"

Origin: Introduced by UEFA in 1965 to resolve deadlocked two-legged ties, on the logic that scoring in a hostile away stadium deserved extra reward. Scrapped in 2021 after it started producing deeply defensive, unwatchable second legs.

Definition: Under the old rule, if two teams were level on aggregate after both legs, the team with more away goals would go through. Gone now — ties level after two games minutes go straight to extra time and then penalties.

Usage: "You know if this was 2020, after beating them 2-1 away and losing 1-0 at home, we’d actually be through on away goals. Instead we’re going to extra time. Curse our UEFA overlords, dammit.”

February 27, 1960. Squaw Valley, California. A team of American college kids and amateurs defeated the Soviet Union 3-2 in hockey at the Winter Olympics. They went on to win gold. Nobody had seen it coming.

A group of unknowns from a frozen corner of the world, beating the giants nobody thought they could touch? Sounds familiar…

Pour one out for amateur Turkish soccer player Gani Çatan.

After seeing his keeper's clearance thwack a low-flying seagull clean out of the sky, the team captain performed two full minutes of CPR on the bird to bring it’s motionless body back to life. In the middle of a playoff final.

The bird is still alive today and is being treated for a broken wing. Gani has millions of people around the world singing his praises.

Sincerely hoping no seagulls steal his french fries ever again.

Roughly the same population as Annapolis, Maryland. And you don’t see them in a Champions League knockout tie, do you?

Slackers.

Thanks for stopping by The Tap-Inn.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to that friend who knows nothing about soccer and help spread the good word.

I’ll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.

— Joe