The best (and worst) penalty of all time?

Welcome to The Tap-Inn. Where you can tap in to the world of soccer with me, your Irish Tap-Inn bartender, Joe. 🍻

I don’t say this lightly, but this might be the best Tap-Inn edition of all time? Here’s what I’ve poured for you today:

• ⚽ The best (and worst) penalties of all time — and exactly how they work

• 🥊 Real Madrid's training ground bust-up that has left soccer's jaw on the floor

• 🇲🇽 Why Mexico want to ban all their best players from the World Cup

Let’s tap in.

🥃 TOP SHELF

How do penalties actually work?

An uninterrupted shot from 12 yards out. How could you miss?

Even the most average of soccer player could score ten penalties in a row in training without issue. But put them in a stadium in front of 60,000 with millions more watching on TV? Different story altogether.

So much so, that on average only about 78% of penalties are scored — pressure gets to even the best players in soccer.

But not me. Never missed a pressure-pen in my life. Pressure's for kegs.

"Okay, Joe, I believe you. But how do penalties actually work?"

There are two times you'll see a penalty in soccer:

1. In a game — when a foul happens inside the penalty area (“the box”).

2. After a tied game, in a penalty shootout — each team takes turns until one of them misses.

The rules below apply to both. Here's how it shakes out:

• It’s one player vs the goalkeeper with the ball placed 12 yards from goal on the penalty spot

• All other players must be outside the area

• The ball can only be kicked after the referee has blown their whistle

• Goalkeepers must have at least one foot on or above the goal line when the penalty kick is taken — if the keeper has left the line before the ball is kicked and saves the penalty, the penalty taker will have a chance to take their kick again

Seems straightforward, right?

Most penalties are taken with power into the corner.

But every now and then a brave (or insane) penalty taker will go for a Panenka — a soft little chip down the middle of the goal while the keeper dives while trying to predict where the shot is going.

It's named after Antonín Panenka who pulled it off in the Euro 1976 final to win the Czech Republic the trophy.

When it works, you're a poet. When it doesn't, you're a clown — just as Brahim Diaz found out in the AFCON final.

"It can’t get more bizarre than that, can it?"

Absolutely it can.

In 2016, Messi rolled the ball sideways for Suárez to slot home for Barcelona — turning a penalty into an assist. Audacious. Genius.

In 2005, Arsenal's Robert Pires and Thierry Henry attempted the original routine. It went so horrificly wrong it was no wonder it took eleven years before Messi and Suárez decided to attempt it again.

Even the GOATs miss

Want proof that pressure gets to the best of them? Three names for you:

• Cristiano Ronaldo, 2008 Champions League Final. Saved by Petr Čech. United still won the shootout but for about two minutes, Ronaldo thought he'd cost his team the biggest prize in club soccer.

• Lionel Messi, 2016 Copa América Final. Argentina vs Chile, at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey and Leo skied it. Chile won the rest of the shootout and Messi briefly retired from international football the next day.

• Roberto Baggio, 1994 World Cup Final. Italy vs Brazil, at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. After carrying them to the final, Italy’s talisman skied it over the bar, immediately handing Brazil the World Cup. Baggio later said "if I'd had a gun, I would have shot myself."

Congrats — you've just scored knowledge.

🗞️ THIS WEEK IN SOCCER

Premier League preview

City threw away a 3-1 lead at Everton on Monday to draw 3-3, leaving Arsenal 5 points clear at the top with 3 games to play (City have a game in hand). The Gunners are now firmly in the driving seat for their first title since 2004.

Here’s this weekend's pick of the fixtures:

• Liverpool vs Chelsea — Saturday 7:30am ET. Liverpool's title defense fell apart months ago. Chelsea haven’t even won a PL game since months ago.

• Sunderland vs Manchester United — Saturday 10am ET. United looking for four in a row. That guy with the hair is watching closely.

• Manchester City vs Brentford — Saturday 12:30pm ET. Pep's men have to win every game from here. This season’s surprise package Brentford won’t make it easy.

• West Ham vs Arsenal — Sunday 11:30am ET. The biggest game of Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta's life against a team fighting to stay in the league. The stakes are getting very, very high.

• Tottenham vs Leeds — Monday 3pm ET. Spurs need to win this like I need a beer in about four hours time — badly.

Champions League semi-final roundup

Both semi-finals wrapped up this week. Recap below:

• Tuesday: Arsenal 1-0 Atlético Madrid (2-1 agg) — Bukayo Saka with the only goal just before half-time at the Emirates. Atlético threw the kitchen sink, Arsenal hung on, and the Gunners are in their first Champions League final in 20 years.

• Wednesday: Bayern Munich 1-1 PSG (5-6 agg) — PSG scored after just 3 minutes in Munich on Wednesday with a 4-pass team goal so pretty it should be hung in the Louvre. Harry Kane pulled one back in the 94th minute, but it was too late.

It's Arsenal vs PSG in the final on May 30th.

Real Madrid: more drama than a soap opera

Pour yourself a tall one for this.

Real Madrid play Barcelona on Sunday in El Clásico, where a Barcelona win would hand them the league title. And the wheels are coming off the Madrid train in spectacular fashion.

This week alone:

• 💥 A bust-up between Antonio Rüdiger and the coaching staff

• ✍️ Kylian Mbappé arguing with a first-team coach and getting roasted by fans for taking a holiday in Italy while injured who have created an online petition with (not joking) 50 million signatures.

• 👊 A fight between midfielders Federico Valverde and Aurélien Tchouaméni that left one unconcious, bleeding from the head and rushed to hospital. They’ve just been fined €500,000 each as per their club’s very own website.

Coach Álvaro Arbeloa has — to use a phrase you'll hear in the Quickfire below — lost the dressing room. He's reportedly being replaced in the summer.

Whether Real channel all this rage into a Clásico win or implode for the world to see is anyone's guess.

📝 TRIVIA ON TAP

El Tri times the charm

Mexico — AKA “El Tri” (The Tricolour) — are co-hosting next month's World Cup for the third time. What's their best ever World Cup result?

• A) Round of 16

• B) Quarter-finals

• C) Semi-finals

• D) Runners-up

Answer at the bottom 👇

🌎 WORLD CUP COUNTDOWN: 35 DAYS

Mexico's pre-World Cup mess

Co-hosting a World Cup should be the dream gig.

Get the home crowd. Skip qualifying. Pick your squad in peace. Pop a Corona. Easy.

Except this is Mexico. And this is the kind of story you couldn't make it up if you tried. Here's the situation:

• Mexico's football federation (the FMF) called a pre-World Cup training camp for this week to start prepping the squad.

• A sensible move — until you realize they called it outside FIFA's official international windows, while Liga MX (Mexico's top league) is at the business end of its season.

• Mexican clubs, predictably, told the FMF to take a hike. Top sides Toluca and Chivas both tried to get their stars excused from the camp.

• Cue head coach Javier Aguirre going full headmaster on Wednesday: “miss the camp, miss the World Cup”. No exceptions.

So now Mexico's facing the real possibility of leaving big names off their World Cup squad — at home — over a club-vs-country squabble that didn't need to happen.

Keep sippin’:

• Why clubs hate international soccer

• Full story: Mexico players given World Cup training ultimatum

🔥 QUICKFIRE

Sound like a pro

Phrase:"Lost the dressing room"

Origin: A pretty literal one, this. The dressing room is where players change, talk, and — when things go south — vent. The phrase started cropping up in British soccer media in the 1990s to describe the moment a manager loses the trust, respect and buy-in of the squad.

Definition: Team chemistry and collective harmony are gone. Some senior players lead a mutiny against the coach who usually gets fired within weeks.

Usage:"Did you see Real Madrid's training ground stories this week? Arbeloa's lost the dressing room — three bust-ups in seven days. He'll be gone by June."

On this day

May 8, 2013: Aruably the great coach of all time, Sir Alex Ferguson announced his retirement from Manchester United after 26 years in charge.

When Alex Ferguson took over Manchester United in 1986, he famously said his mission was to “knock Liverpool FC right off their perch.” At the time, Liverpool were England’s dominant club with 18 league titles to United’s 7.

Ferguson finally did it in 2011, when United won their 19th league title — overtaking Liverpool after 25 years in charge (who in all that time didn’t win a single one).

United have been through 10 managers since trying to replace him and his 38 trophies he won the club. None have come close.

Last call

Adidas dropped their World Cup commercial this week — and it might be the most ridiculous (and/or glorious) two minutes of your day.

It's called "Backyard Legends" and the plot is somehow this: Timothée Chalamet assembles a team of global soccer royalty — including Messi and Beckham — to take on a neighborhood pickup squad that's apparently been undefeated for generations.

And even if none of those name’s mean nothing to you, maybe Chalamet’s opening line to bad Bunny will:

"What do I know about soccer? Nothing. I know about football, Benito. Football."

Go on, give it a watch.

📝 TRIVIA ANSWER

B) Quarter-finals

Mexico have made the quarter-finals twice in their entire World Cup history — both times as hosts (1970 and 1986).

That's why Mexican fans have a name for the elusive next step: el quinto partido — the fifth match. Get out of the group (3 games) + win a Round of 16 (4) + win a quarter-final (5).

¡Buena suerte (good luck) amigos!