Grab a stool, because this one's got a bit of everything. Arsenal passed their first real test of the season in style. Man City look perfect on paper and shaky in practice and both sides of Manchester are about to get very loud indeed, we'll get to why in a minute.

On tap today:

Let's tap in.

I've got two regulars, Frank and Sal. They have been at each other's throats for eleven years over a barstool. Not even a good barstool. A wobbly one at the jukebox side of the bar that nobody else wants. Frank thinks it's his. Sal thinks Frank's a war criminal. I have genuinely stopped trying to understand it.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the emotional architecture of a typical soccer rivalry - or as they call it in the Premier League, a derby.

A derby isn't just two teams that dislike each other. Liverpool and Arsenal dislike each other from 200 miles apart, and that's a rivalry, sure, but it's a long-distance relationship kind of rivalry.

The really great derbies are when the two teams are close enough that the fans can't escape it. Always the same city, sometimes the same neighborhood, even better when it’s the same bus route to the stadium.

Your team's biggest enemy isn't some far-off villain. He's the guy who steams your milk in your local coffee shop or pours your beer in your local bar.

“OK, so it's just a rivalry but closer. Groundbreaking stuff, Joe.”

Fair, but remember, proximity changes everything. You can ignore a rival three states away. You cannot ignore the guy two doors down wearing his team’s scarf on a Monday morning after your team just lost 4-0. There is no cooldown period. No offseason of the soul. Just bragging rights daily, until the next time your two teams play each other.

To dig into the world of soccer derbies let’s do a quick world tour of the genre and look at some of the biggest club games in the sport.

“Ok, you’ve won me over Joe, but why are you telling me this now?”

I almost forgot.

Manchester gets its turn this Sunday in one of the biggest rivalries in England. Manchester United host Manchester City at Old Trafford, two clubs separated by about four miles of shared roads, shared fans, and one deeply messy modern history where the little brother grew up, got rich, and started winning everything.

We'll get into exactly how that happened, and what's on the line this time, in Friday's edition. For now, just clear your Sunday schedule. It’s going to be loud.

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/ˈhandbaɡz/ 🔊

noun · soccer

Definition: An old sexist term describing a scuffle that is all shoving, shirt-pulling and finger-pointing, with plenty of noise and nobody actually throwing a punch. Teammates pile in mainly to be seen holding someone back. Often seen at the start of derby games.

Origin: From the old British phrase "handbags at dawn," a mocking twist on pistols at dawn. The joke is that the whole confrontation is posturing dressed up as a duel.

Used in a sentence: "Twelve players in a huddle, shoulders flying everywhere, two yellow cards and not a scratch on anyone. Pure handbags."

Three games worth pouring over from Matchweek 3:

Elsewhere, Liverpool cruised past Ipswich 2-0 (Alexander Isak bagged a brace), Newcastle and Bournemouth shared the points in a 2-2 thriller, and Aston Villa, Tottenham and Coventry all remain winless and scoreless through three games.

Europe's biggest club competition kicks off (properly) this week. Matchday 1 runs Tuesday through Thursday, and there's a genuinely stacked slate for American eyes:

Worth remembering, PSG are chasing an actual three-peat here, and the bookies have them as favorites again. Arsenal are right behind, still nursing the wound from losing last year's final to PSG on penalties. Bayern Munich round out the top tier of favorites. Man City, Barcelona, and Real Madrid make up the next group down, all good enough to win it, none of them the clear favorite.

My money's on Arsenal going one better this time. Nothing sharpens a team quite like losing a final on penalties and having eleven months to think about it.

Club and country: Manchester City and Norway

What to watch for this weekend: Haaland leads the line Sunday when City travel to Old Trafford for the Manchester derby we've teased this week. Three wins from three this season, and a habit of showing up for the big time.

Fun Fact: His dad, Alf-Inge Haaland, also played for City, on the wrong end of the most notorious tackle in Manchester derby history: Roy Keane's bone-crunching 2001 challenge. Erling walks into the same fixture two decades later, this time doing the damage.

Toast: Ringnes Pilsner, a well balanced pilsner with a light hoppy and malty aroma. No wonder it’s Norway's best-selling beer.

Follow him here: @erling

⚽ Goal of the week: Martin Odegaard's slick team goal against Chelsea, set up by a Kai Havertz dummy, sealed Arsenal's 2-1 comeback win.

🎉 Fanzone: "Something Tells Me I'm Into Something Good" rang around the MKM Stadium as Hull City fans celebrate being unbeaten and yet to concede three games.

📅 On this day: September 7, 2006, Barcelona sponsor their own shirt. Barça put UNICEF on the front of the jersey and handed the charity 0.7% of annual revenue.

👕 Wardrobe watch: Coventry City's new home kit brings back blue and white stripes, a nod to the shirt they wore lifting the FA Cup in 1987.

🏆 Underdog corner: Real Betis stunned Real Madrid 1-0 on Friday. Mbappé had a stoppage-time penalty saved, and Irish striker Troy Parrott got his first goal for his new club, Betis.

📊 Most clicked from Friday: Brighton debut a limited edition Nike kit marking their 125th anniversary.

Thanks for stopping by The Tap-Inn.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to that friend who knows nothing about soccer and help spread the good word.

I'll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.

Joe

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