What makes a derby a derby?

Grab a stool, because this one's got a bit of everything. Arsenal passed their first real test of the season in style. Man City look perfect on paper and shaky in practice and both sides of Manchester are about to get very loud indeed, we'll get to why in a minute.

On tap today:

• 🏟️ What makes a derby a derby (and why Manchester's got a big one coming)

• ⚽ Arsenal's statement win, City's lucky streak, and the Champions League kicks off

• 🍺 Grabbing a beer with Erling Haaland ahead of Sunday's big one

Let's tap in.

🥃 TOP SHELF

What makes a soccer rivalry derby?

I've got two regulars, Frank and Sal. They have been at each other's throats for eleven years over a barstool. Not even a good barstool. A wobbly one at the jukebox side of the bar that nobody else wants. Frank thinks it's his. Sal thinks Frank's a war criminal. I have genuinely stopped trying to understand it.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the emotional architecture of a typical soccer rivalry - or as they call it in the Premier League, a derby.

A derby isn't just two teams that dislike each other. Liverpool and Arsenal dislike each other from 200 miles apart, and that's a rivalry, sure, but it's a long-distance relationship kind of rivalry.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

The really great derbies are when the two teams are close enough that the fans can't escape it. Always the same city, sometimes the same neighborhood, even better when it’s the same bus route to the stadium.

Your team's biggest enemy isn't some far-off villain. He's the guy who steams your milk in your local coffee shop or pours your beer in your local bar.

“OK, so it's just a rivalry but closer. Groundbreaking stuff, Joe.”

Fair, but remember, proximity changes everything. You can ignore a rival three states away. You cannot ignore the guy two doors down wearing his team’s scarf on a Monday morning after your team just lost 4-0. There is no cooldown period. No offseason of the soul. Just bragging rights daily, until the next time your two teams play each other.

To dig into the world of soccer derbies let’s do a quick world tour of the genre and look at some of the biggest club games in the sport.

• The Old Firm (Celtic vs. Rangers, Glasgow, Scotland) is what you get when a normal derby goes to war college. Two clubs so wrapped up in religion, politics, and a few hundred years of grudges that the soccer part almost feels like a formality. I've seen this fixture described as 90 minutes of tribal warfare with a coin toss. That's not even hyperbole, that's just Tuesday in Glasgow.

• The Superclasico (Boca Juniors vs. River Plate, Buenos Aires) gets voted one of the most electric events in world sport pretty much every year, and having watched clips of it, I believe them. Different neighborhoods, same city, absolute pandemonium in the stands. My men Frank and Sal would not survive Buenos Aires.

• The Derby della Madonnina (AC Milan vs. Inter Milan) takes the cake for pettiest arrangement in soccer. These two clubs hate each other so much they somehow still share the exact same stadium. The San Siro. They are like a divorced couple who never got around to moving out of the house. Different histories, different identities, same postal address. I don't know how they do it. I can't even split a bar tab with my business partner.

“Ok, you’ve won me over Joe, but why are you telling me this now?”

I almost forgot.

Manchester gets its turn this Sunday in one of the biggest rivalries in England. Manchester United host Manchester City at Old Trafford, two clubs separated by about four miles of shared roads, shared fans, and one deeply messy modern history where the little brother grew up, got rich, and started winning everything.

We'll get into exactly how that happened, and what's on the line this time, in Friday's edition. For now, just clear your Sunday schedule. It’s going to be loud.

🗣️ SOUND LIKE A REGULAR

“Handbags”

/ˈhandbaɡz/ 🔊

noun · soccer

Definition: An old sexist term describing a scuffle that is all shoving, shirt-pulling and finger-pointing, with plenty of noise and nobody actually throwing a punch. Teammates pile in mainly to be seen holding someone back. Often seen at the start of derby games.

Origin: From the old British phrase "handbags at dawn," a mocking twist on pistols at dawn. The joke is that the whole confrontation is posturing dressed up as a duel.

Used in a sentence: "Twelve players in a huddle, shoulders flying everywhere, two yellow cards and not a scratch on anyone. Pure handbags."

🗞️ THE WEEKLY TAP-IN

Premier League roundup

Three games worth pouring over from Matchweek 3:

• Arsenal 2-1 Chelsea: The Gunners came from behind to beat Chelsea's new-look side under manager, Xabi Alonso, with Martin Odegaard among the goals. This was Chelsea's toughest test of the season so far, and Arsenal passed it. They're unbeaten through three games and level on top with Man City.

• Man City 1-0 Coventry: City made it three wins from three and picked up their first clean sheet of the season. Not their most convincing performance, but three points is three points, and they sit top of the table on goals scored.

• Everton 2-2 Man United: United led twice and conceded an early goal-of-the-season contender in the 96th minute from Maitland-Niles to take just a point from Everton. The Red Devils already five points off the pace after three games.

Elsewhere, Liverpool cruised past Ipswich 2-0 (Alexander Isak bagged a brace), Newcastle and Bournemouth shared the points in a 2-2 thriller, and Aston Villa, Tottenham and Coventry all remain winless and scoreless through three games.

The Champions League is back

Europe's biggest club competition kicks off (properly) this week. Matchday 1 runs Tuesday through Thursday, and there's a genuinely stacked slate for American eyes:

• Porto vs. Man City (Tue): City's first European test under new boss Enzo Maresca, and a tricky one at that. Their European away form wobbled hard last season, capped by a 3-0 defeat at Real Madrid in the round of 16. Porto at home is no gimme either.

• Napoli vs. Arsenal (Wed): Italian Serie A runners up against the Premier League Champions. Napoli are dangerous at home, and this is exactly the kind of trip that's derailed English teams in years past. A proper early banana skin for the Gunners.

• Liverpool vs. Atletico Madrid (Wed): Two clubs with genuine history here, and Atletico teams built under Diego Simeone have made a career out of ruining nights in Anfield. Expect this one to be scrappy, tight, and probably decided by one moment either way.

• Man United vs. Sabah (Thu): United's opener against Azerbaijan's champions, playing in the competition for the first time ever. On paper this should be comfortable. United's season so far says nothing is comfortable.

Worth remembering, PSG are chasing an actual three-peat here, and the bookies have them as favorites again. Arsenal are right behind, still nursing the wound from losing last year's final to PSG on penalties. Bayern Munich round out the top tier of favorites. Man City, Barcelona, and Real Madrid make up the next group down, all good enough to win it, none of them the clear favorite.

My money's on Arsenal going one better this time. Nothing sharpens a team quite like losing a final on penalties and having eleven months to think about it.

📝 HAVE A BEER WITH….

Erling Haaland

Club and country: Manchester City and Norway

What to watch for this weekend: Haaland leads the line Sunday when City travel to Old Trafford for the Manchester derby we've teased this week. Three wins from three this season, and a habit of showing up for the big time.

Fun Fact: His dad, Alf-Inge Haaland, also played for City, on the wrong end of the most notorious tackle in Manchester derby history: Roy Keane's bone-crunching 2001 challenge. Erling walks into the same fixture two decades later, this time doing the damage.

Toast:Ringnes Pilsner, a well balanced pilsner with a light hoppy and malty aroma. No wonder it’s Norway's best-selling beer.

Follow him here:@erling

🔥 HOUSE SPECIALS

⚽ Goal of the week:Martin Odegaard's slick team goal against Chelsea, set up by a Kai Havertz dummy, sealed Arsenal's 2-1 comeback win.

🎉Fanzone: "Something Tells Me I'm Into Something Good" rang around the MKM Stadium as Hull City fans celebrate being unbeaten and yet to concede three games.

📅On this day: September 7, 2006, Barcelona sponsor their own shirt. Barça put UNICEF on the front of the jersey and handed the charity 0.7% of annual revenue.

👕Wardrobe watch:Coventry City's new home kit brings back blue and white stripes, a nod to the shirt they wore lifting the FA Cup in 1987.

🏆 Underdog corner:Real Betis stunned Real Madrid 1-0 on Friday. Mbappé had a stoppage-time penalty saved, and Irish striker Troy Parrott got his first goal for his new club, Betis.

📊Most clicked from Friday:Brighton debut a limited edition Nike kit marking their 125th anniversary.

Until next time…

Thanks for stopping by The Tap-Inn.

If you enjoyed this, forward it to that friend who knows nothing about soccer and help spread the good word.

I'll be behind the bar every week, Monday and Friday, serving up soccer. Sláinte.